My Hurts

So a lot has happened since I last posted, and its only now that I feel I have the confidence to write on here again.

Just a brief catch up, my then boyfriend at my last few posts (apart from the Welsh Zoo one) is now my long-gone Ex, as he broke up with me after cheating on me twice, not even a week into University, i.e. still in freshers week. He then got a new girlfriend the week after. So we don't care about him any more, where there were memories now there is only sadness and hurt and broken trust. It fucked me up mentally more than I care to show.

I have a new group of friends who are lovely and I wouldn't change them for the world, they are so supportive and understand when I am in the Bad Place and are even trying to bring me out of there when they recognise the signs. We also go dancing together and it's awesome.

I now do Cuban Salsa dancing, something I have never done before now and it is honestly the best time I have had in a long time. I also started up Street dance, Ballroom and Latin, and Ballet and met some lovely new people there too!

However things are still complicated in my head as I still am head over heels in love with my second ex. And if anyone would ever care to ask me I would tell them as much. I always have been and I was a fool to try and believe otherwise. So this is where it gets messy, as you can imagine.

I don't know where I stand any more.

I don't know who to trust any more.

I can't even tell what trust us, because if it can be broken once so easily, why should I build it up again?

I'm fighting with the winter but as the first snow fell today whilst I was on placement, the war is not looking hopeful.

The news about Nana didn't help either, she is now in a medical nursing home because she is too ill for normal care.

All I know is that where he is, is home. And I long for it. I long for the safe, secure feel of his arms around me. And I know the moment I get that, its going to take an awful lot not to break down into a horrible, horrible mess which will take a good few days to clean up.

Especially seeing as I have the image of him and another girl cuddled up together burned into my eyelids.

Tonight's dreams are going to be a roller-coaster.