Silence

What have I done now?

It's so frustrating when you know something's wrong but have no ideas or control on how to make things better.

Will going to them make things better or worse?

I don't know...

Do I risk it anyway?

It might get things out in the open, at least then I know where I stand.

As each day passes I feel more and more in the dark, no clue how this has happened. How did things get to this? I can feel my heart literally scrambling around to try and pick up the pieces.

This can't go on much longer

Sinking

I think I'm nearly at tipping point...

The point of silence before the Titanic finally descends fully into the water.

I feel like I't just waiting for that final push, to send me to breaking point.

And I wonder if it will have the decency to wait until it's after this next week, in half term.

Knowing my luck, that kind of good fortune is not possible.











Everything reminds me of something, most of them bad, hurting memories which are slowly tearing me up from inside.


The ones which are actually good are still quite bad as they still make me sad

this is never ending, a whirlwind. I'm just along for the ride.

Placement

So it's the end of week three of placement. I'm feeling very run down, very tired and my throat hurts from all the constant talking and shouting.

Oh it's also Valentines day. Which sucks. As usual.

I just can't seem to find the energy or the willpower to do anything any more. I'm literally forcing food down, but everything I eat makes me feel sick. I force myself to get up for school because other whys I fail the course. But I can't even remember why that's a bad thing any more. I sit staring at things and don't even realise that hours have passed.

I don't ever remember being like this.

All I want to do is snuggle down with that one person and relax, watch a movie. Oh and eat a proper meal for the first time this week. However that's pretty impossible seeing as the person I want to see doesn't actually want to speak to me.

Apparently I have pissed him off.

In fact not a lot of people want to speak to me. Only Yenita perhaps.

I'm having a hard time controlling myself at the moment. It seems that I'm either stone cold emotionless or boiling over ready to explode and break down.

At least I can put on an act at school, I seem to be able to pull up this imaginary me, this character. She comes and takes over when I'm teaching. I just kind of curl up in a ball, retreating into my mind.

I just kind leave her to it really.

My Hurts

So a lot has happened since I last posted, and its only now that I feel I have the confidence to write on here again.

Just a brief catch up, my then boyfriend at my last few posts (apart from the Welsh Zoo one) is now my long-gone Ex, as he broke up with me after cheating on me twice, not even a week into University, i.e. still in freshers week. He then got a new girlfriend the week after. So we don't care about him any more, where there were memories now there is only sadness and hurt and broken trust. It fucked me up mentally more than I care to show.

I have a new group of friends who are lovely and I wouldn't change them for the world, they are so supportive and understand when I am in the Bad Place and are even trying to bring me out of there when they recognise the signs. We also go dancing together and it's awesome.

I now do Cuban Salsa dancing, something I have never done before now and it is honestly the best time I have had in a long time. I also started up Street dance, Ballroom and Latin, and Ballet and met some lovely new people there too!

However things are still complicated in my head as I still am head over heels in love with my second ex. And if anyone would ever care to ask me I would tell them as much. I always have been and I was a fool to try and believe otherwise. So this is where it gets messy, as you can imagine.

I don't know where I stand any more.

I don't know who to trust any more.

I can't even tell what trust us, because if it can be broken once so easily, why should I build it up again?

I'm fighting with the winter but as the first snow fell today whilst I was on placement, the war is not looking hopeful.

The news about Nana didn't help either, she is now in a medical nursing home because she is too ill for normal care.

All I know is that where he is, is home. And I long for it. I long for the safe, secure feel of his arms around me. And I know the moment I get that, its going to take an awful lot not to break down into a horrible, horrible mess which will take a good few days to clean up.

Especially seeing as I have the image of him and another girl cuddled up together burned into my eyelids.

Tonight's dreams are going to be a roller-coaster.