Rant Time

Don't you hate it when you feel as if you're responsible for something, when actually you aren't? Or you feel like you've upset someone you care about but actually it was them who upset you in the first place?

Well I do at this point in time because of my Ex-boyfriend. He broke up with me twice, the second time because of his friends after only two days of asking me to get back together with him. He then said to me that he still wanted to be friends and kept checking in on me and talking to me, despite the fact that I kind of needed a bit of space.

He then decides to make it all awkward for me and keeps telling me that although he loves me very much he cannot be with me at this point in time because he "isn't the best person he can be". This would have been almost acceptable if he wasn't then trying to be a bit more than friends whilst also going out 'on the pull' with one of his friends, asking other friends to set him up with people and crushing on other females and writing notes about them.

Here's the best part, I decide I've had enough of my feelings being played with and allow one of my only friends at Bangor to introduce me to someone who supposedly liked me.  We get on extremely well and to my surprise he is a really nice guy, despite looking like a 'popular kid' who normally wouldn't look twice in my direction (for those who don't know this is Liam and is now my current boyfriend).

I make the decision to try and distance myself from my Ex and that after we leave our University Halls try not talk to him and basically have nothing to do with him any more. This doesn't really work... as the time to leave Halls gets closer and closer, my Ex gets clingy and starts to monitor where I am going and who I am going to see, he makes up stupid stories in his head that I am meeting a load of guys and basically hooking up with them, despite the fact I am going to socials and trying to extend my friendship group, which he actually pushed me into doing. He basically gets extremely controlling and tries to manipulate me into spending every moment with him.

When we leave Halls and go back home it only gets worse. In the end I have to enlist my friends help and she advices me how to handle the situation. We decide the best way to go forward is to tell him I'm not comfortable with the way he is acting and that I want some space. He doesn't want to accept this and keeps on pushing me and pushing me, trying to get me to say things I didn't want to say and to arrange to things that I didn't want to do, and in the end I had to tell him I wanted to cut all contact from him.

I didn't feel like I could trust him properly after everything he had done to me. If I had let myself get back in the same situation I would have been unhappy and constantly paranoid that something would happen or someone would say something to him again and that would be it, he would break up with me again. I knew that he would also continue to control me and manipulate me, even if he didn't realise he was doing it.

I felt terrible, horrible, nasty, mean, and evil. I didn't want it to go this way. For a lot of last year he was my only good friend here in Bangor and he did help me in a lot of ways. And obviously feelings don't just go away like that.

It hurt.

But it had to be done.

Even then he still didn't give up, kept messaging me and calling me and all sorts, trying to win me over, trying to manipulate me into becoming his girlfriend once again. His mother even got involved sending me very rude and inappropriate facebook messages.

In the end I got my dad to answer one of his calls to tell him that I had asked for him not to call or message me and I didn't want to speak to him.

The only thing that got me through this was my friend, and Liam. Things were going really well with him, and despite everything that I had set out in my head (be single, find yourself again, make better friends, get your independence back) I felt myself beginning to trust him and really really like him. Once things seemed to have calmed down with my Ex, I decided to visit Liam and stay at his home for a weekend (on his request of course). It is completely unlike me and very spontaneous. I book the trains, pack up, talk to my work colleagues about it to make sure I won't be working.. and then on the Friday night, I'm on a train heading out. The weekend was amazing, I felt so comfortable with Liam that it felt like we had known each other forever and been like that for years and years. We watched films, played games, we even baked some cakes.

But... the end of the weekend was interrupted... A call, from my Ex. He had seen some photos, posted by Liam of me baking cakes. He was shouting down the phone at me "Tell me the truth, just tell me the truth!" and though I tried to keep my cool I nearly burst out crying. Of course at this point me and Liam weren't an official couple, we were only seeing each other and no discussion about 'us' or the relationship between us had taken place.

I end the call ' I have asked you not to message me or call me, if I get one more message from you, or your mother, I will block you both'.

Later on that night, my Ex adds Liam on facebook. Liam, not wanting to cause a fuss or seem mean, accepts. He messages my Ex, 'hey, why have you added me?' A long conversation then happens, which basically leads to my Ex asking Liam 'What's going on between you and Jasmine?'

Liam looked at me, and tells me the message... I ask him what he is going to put, and he says, "well, I know what I would like to put..."

"What's that then?" I ask,

"Well, I'd like for you to be my girlfriend..."

I look at him, "Are you asking me out?"

"Yes, I guess I am."

So that's how me and Liam got together properly. Liam replied to my Ex stating that he had been seeing me for a while but we had just recently made it official, that we were dating. My Ex seems to handle this well, even suggests that me and him can be friends still and that he would like to talk to me, just to sort everything out.

Of course he actually took it horribly. He didn't really want to talk to me, despite me eventually messaging him about it. He still doesn't want to talk to me even though its been a whole summer. He doesn't even want to see me. He came to the same predrinking party I was invited to and instead of joining all of us in the living room, he went and sulked in the kitchen, meaning someone felt obliged to go and keep him company and listen to him go on about how he misses me and still loves me etc.

He's been awkward and childish about it. He even threw one of my bowls that he had borrowed into a river, and lied to one of our mutual friends to cause a fuss.

And you know what, I feel bad about it.

Terrible.

Everyone is telling me it's okay and that he just needs to man up etc.

And Liam doesn't even care any more because of how my Ex lied to get Liam into trouble.

But despite all this, I really want to put things right. Because it really upsets me how things have turned out. I didn't want for this to happen.

I want to help him.

But I know that I can't.

So yes, that's my rant over... I am hoping that typing all this down will help me get it off my chest and allow me to look past the sadness which clouds me about everything that has happened.

Fingers crossed.